Humble Pie

Maybe it's not so much that I have proverbially eaten humble pie, but more I feel as if having true faith in anyone is damn near impossible.

A few weeks ago I went to bat for someone, stood up for them, stood up for their marriage, stood up for their character...and now it feels as if the faith I had and the life I saw was just a huge front.

What happened to honesty?  What happened to integrity?  What happened to value?  Self satisfaction? Pride? Love? Justice?  What does any of this mean anyways, if I can't find many instances of any of it existing, then it doesn't truly exist, right?  If it is rare to find in humanity, does it really exist, or is it just a thinly tinted window masking what really lies beneath?

I remember, quite distinctly actually, the moment in which I decided I was going to make a commitment to my marriage, and by commitment I mean COMMITMENT (honestly, there is absolutely NO end to this marriage, and to make a long story short, David and I have had, in our time together, HUNDREDS of "what-if" discussions, and by NO end we mean NO END).My grandma had told me a sage piece of advice, based on her 50 years of marriage:  

When you marry, your spouse and your child/ren are your priority.  We have done our job in raising you, now you must go do your job, and do it with the person who is most important, the person who is going to be by your side long after the rest of your family is gone.

We stood united the day we said our vows.  We stand together now.  Strong in our decision, no matter what happens (short of death), we are together for life.

We challenge each other, we challenge our view points, our beliefs, our values, because good debate and the evolution of how we influence each other makes us stronger.  I think many people don't talk any more.  Couples have forgotten how to discuss.  Instead they avoid, confront, lament, cast aside, ignore, etc.

David doesn't brow-beat me, nor do I him.  David doesn't blame me, nor do I him.  We DISCUSS why things happened, and get to the root cause of issues.  Oh trust me it hasn't been easy, and yes in the beginning we did more blaming than discussing, but we united in our efforts.  We made the decision together to stop the cycle and improve our lives, improve our love, and improve our union.

In general, I think many people today are quick to blame, quick to jump into self-preservation mode and cast out whatever is unpleasant.  Marriage is, at times, unpleasant, but marriage is also beautiful.  It is a deep connection, one that binds two people together in ways that only those two know.  It is spiritual, it is magical, it is a force that should be impenetrable. I don't think most people understand it anymore.

Men and women, both, are stuck looking for the next best thing, the thrill, playing the game, and using cheat codes along the way.  How is that fulfilling?

(out of time for now, must go to my place of employment...to be continued)

Pain? Anger? Can they be one and the same?

Today, I really feel as if I don't release all these thoughts in my head I will truly unleash an unholy fury into the universe that I do not karmically need.  Where to begin?

Bipolar.  I think it is truly just this decade's mental health fad.  Seriously.  It's like, trendy (feel free to emphasize that statement with a toss of the hair and a Valley Girl accent....go ahead do it.  Feel better? Good).

Within the last 2 years this damn diagnosis has caused major upheaval for me and my loved ones.  Damn it, we all get sad don't we?  We all get angry, right?  I think the difference between a "normal" person and a "bipolar" (seriously, the quotes on that one are purely to provide emphasis on the sarcasm) person is how said person would react to a situation. 

Based on personal experience only, because I am NOT a therapist, medical expert, etc., I think that bipolar is just a diagnosis given to spoiled, selfish, me-me-me types, who get beyond irate when they don't get their way and will use ANY desperate method to regain attention and control.  Ugh, entitlement sums it up well.
People who refuse to be accountable for their actions, who refuse to apologize, who would rather you be afraid of them and be in control of you than to earn respect and admiration.

I feel that any "desperate" attempt to bring attention back to oneself by "attempting to commit suicide" is the worst form of selfishness possible.  Seriously.  What did you think would happen?  That we would get scared and cottle you?  That we would jump hoops to "save" you.  Fuck that. Do it yourself.  I also know from personal experience that when someone is in so much pain the ONLY way they see out of it is to remove themselves from the equation, they do so SILENTLY.  No snide comments in anger, no Facebook status updates about "I'm not worth it" blah blah blah.  It is only AFTER the fact that a well-written letter or video or audio recording is found.  A formal good-bye meant to be left as a "sorry".

I am not completely writing "bipolar" off as a fake disease, because I am sure there are many people who seriously suffer from the disease.  I must explain that this diagnosis is being flung around so much recently, and to people who I have lived with.  People I have grown up with.  People who have had major influences on my life.  And based on what I have seen, and what I have experienced (and mind you it is a whole hell of a lot of emotional shit that I have spent YEARS UPON YEARS getting over and learning to cope with) I feel that these people are being mis-diagnosed and then using it as a crutch.  Let me remind you of my previous assessment; people who refuse to be accountable for their actions, and who refuse to apologize.

Okay, I feel a bit better now.
Much love,
T

What it truly means to love someone...

There are many different ways we can love someone, or multiple people.  For instance, I love my daughter more than any one else on this planet, I love my husband with all the trust and passion I have in me, I love my parents because they brought me into this world, I love my brothers because they make me look sane by comparison, I love my friends because they love me without obligation.

We love in so many different ways, and sometimes I think we lose what loving someone really involves and become selfish in our ideas of how the ones we love should interact with us.

For example:

This morning on Facebook, my brother-in-law was scolded by his step-sister.  Her exact words were:

     "*** dont forget about the rest of ur family just cause u got a new one..."

It took me a bit to come back from that one.  I had to think long and hard about the words I wanted to say to her, without being bitchy, assuming, contrite, and rude.  This was my response:

"*****, I find that incredibly unsupportive.  If you truly cared about *** and his happiness you would understand that his wife is the person, under an OATH TO GOD, he is to be bound and faithful to.  He is being the best father and husband he can be (and *** you're doing a damn amazing job).  The rest of us in his family will always fall after those 3 integral people in his life.  As his sister-in-law, I support him and ***** and those beautiful babies with every beat of my heart, and if that means I have to stand back and love them from a distance, then by God, I will."

Now, I am not a religious person, but my brother-in-law and his wife go to church when he is home, and he is a follower of his faith, and I support that.  So, when I say he took an oath under God, he truly did.

I mention this because it made me think about love and all the different facets it has, and what the importance of showing each person I love and support them is.  There are people in my family and friend circle that I love and I hardly ever get to see.  I would not scold them for seeing them less, I would support them in knowing they have busy lives and we aren't bound to each other by a string that keeps us within a certain distance or time-frame of one another.  A simple phone call, text, e-mail, yearly Holiday card and personalized note, Facebook "like" or comment, etc. with suffice. I feel as long as I make an attempt at keeping in touch with each person, no matter how menial a method I use, I am letting that person know I love them, I am thinking about them, and that I support them still, and I am hoping for the same in return.

What do you think?

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